How do you tell if a person is stoned?

Posted on February 01 2018

Ok now there are many signs that appear obvious to those who are more in the know, yet when I was younger I found it more and more surprising how little my mum seemed to notice, especially considering the amount I smoked rapidly rose over a short period of time, culminating a few years after in a trip to Amsterdam shortly after turning eighteen. Trying to hide my own high-ness led to me picking up on the more subtle aspects of being stoned, which meant I could smell bullshit as well as weed smoke when I’d show up at my mates a bit late to find them laughing hysterically, watching Step Brothers or a Dave Chappelle stand-up or sketch routine and claiming they didn’t know who’d got weed. Bearing this in mind I will take you through some of the more overt and obvious signs coupled with some of the most subtle signs mixed in with some very bizarre ways to reach a verdict as given by WikiHow’s guide to tell if someone is high.

Check A Person’s Eyes


This is the big and obvious one, almost anyone who smokes marijuana will get this. However, people may make attempts to hide this which to the more trained eye will tear down their facade. Examples of this would be wearing sunglasses even if it isn’t sunny or wearing mascara and eyeliner as an attempt to hide this. So just consider does your friend/son/daughter/wife/husband wear sunglasses or mascara usually before reaching a verdict. Try not to use the argument that guys don’t or shouldn’t wear makeup, it’s 2018, not 1910, but just observe whether anyone of your male mates has expressed any desire for femininity previously.

Smell The Person

Now if you can’t smell weed on a stoner you either have no sense of smell or you’re dealing with a very savvy stoner. Now you shouldn’t have to get in too close to figuring this one out so you should be able to keep your cover intact. I should point out that the hilarious WikiHow guide that I am following shows a person smelling their fingers which appears more overtly sexual than anything drug-related.

Check A Person’s Vital Signs

This one would not be half as hilarious if not for a bizarrely placed advert just above the image of a pulse being checked relating to this section, concerning how one deals with a breakup, which asks: ‘Is it really over?’ However, I should point out that the article refers to ‘drugs’ in general with only a portion seemingly focusing on marijuana. This is a funny one to me, especially seeing as though whilst weed may increase your heart rate you are unlikely to die or have a heart attack. Checking a stoned person’s vitals is likely to make them paranoid and would probably increase vital organ failure slightly.

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